FRIDAY FUNNIES

[Shumba]

The Mis-informed Wife My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and
she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at
a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after
we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober
since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
long?"
And that's when the fight started....

 

[blinky2299]

I Have A GPS .................

I have a little GPS
I've had it most my life
It's better than the normal ones
It is of course, my wife

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's sixty ks an hour", it says
"You're doing sixty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counseling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the damned thing off.

 

[Shumba]

Confessions of a hooker

A couple were lying in bed together on the
morning of their tenth wedding anniversary
when the wife says, 'Darling, as this is
such a special occasion, I think that it is time I
made a confession: Before we were married
I was a hooker for eight years.'

The husband ponders for a moment and then
looks into his wife's eyes and says, 'My love,
you have been a perfect wife for ten years!
I cannot hold your past against you, maybe you
could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice
up our sex life a bit?'

She said, 'I don't think you understand, my name
was Brian and I played football for New South Wales . . .'

 

[gavfromoz]

The only night I decide to have a quiet beer in front of the laptop and then I ended up on this page. Hahahahaha damn, I need another beer lol

 

[richo966]

3 rats go in to a bar the first one orders a Whiskey the second orders a Tequila the last rat asks for a milk the other two rats are like what a milk the first rat skulls his Whiskey and tells them how tuff he is I ate a whole box of rat poison nothing I am so tuff the second rat skulls his Tequila and gose that's nothing I took the cheese from the rat trap the bar came down on my back look nothing no bruise I am so tuff the last rat sips his milk gets up and starts walking out the other rats say leaving little girl the last rat said I am sick of hanging with you ****** I am going to root the cat again

 

[Greglz86]

A man passing though a small town in the northern territory pulles in to a local pub for a beer.
He was halfway through his drink when he noticed a sign that read "Free beer for life if you pass the three test"
He calles over the bar tender and asked about the sign.
He says "well, there are three test. The first test is to scull a bottle of rum wwithout making a sound or saying a word and keep it down.
The second test is there is a crocodile out the back with a bad tooth. You need to wrestle it and pull his tooth out.
The third test is the old widdow that lives upstairs. She hasnt had an orgazim for 30 years. You will have to go up and give her one."
The man thinks about it for a second and says "na, bit extreme for me. "
But 8 schooners later he calles over the bar tender with a slur in his speech.
"Hey, get that bottle of rum. Im doing the test"
he brings the bottle over and the man drinkes the whole thing. His eyes were watering but he kept it down and didnt make a sound.
"Now where is this crocodile? "
The bartender leads him to the back door. The man wslks though it shuts the door and there were bangs, thuds, screams and a ccrocodiles roar comming from the other side.
The rest of the people in the bar are watching the door in horror as the sounds come from the other side.
Then all of a sudden, silence. The door creeps open and out steps the man. Shirts torn. Cuts and bruises all over him. A real mess he was.
He slowly limps up to the bartender.
"Alright, now where is this old girl with the bad tooth?"

 

[gavfromoz]

Hahahaha love it, got me giggling all over again lol cat's, mice, rats, crocs ... God I love this place

 

[Redfin]

[video=480,360]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HYuzDabqmbc[/video]

 

[Colmaca]

Friday was valantine day ? I got no Idea

I said O well I get myself a rose and thank myself with a hand job 8)

 

[HeadsUp]

[video=480,360]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HYuzDabqmbc[/video]

geez mate that was cruel . i was eating dinner when i played that now its put me right off

 

[HeadsUp]

dont worry its a jeep

[video=480,360]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fybch3DX8c8[/video]

 

[gavfromoz]

thanks guys I'm still smiling

 

[Pr2cv]

Met a good looker in the pub the other night

She said"hi I'm Jane"

I took her hand & said "Hello I'm Pete ,although everyone calls me Dick"

She asked "How do you get dick from Pete .?"

I answered "just ask"

 

[Dozer]

A bus stops and two old Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two ***** come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two *****, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.
The lady cant take this any more. You foul-mouthed, sex-obsessed pig, she retorted indignantly. In this country, we dont speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.
Hey, coola down lady, said the man. Who talkin abouta sex? Im a justa tellin my frienda how to spell Mississippi.

 

[Ramjet]

Good one Dozer

 

[BrisJoe]

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. ...

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rdgrade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last six questions wrong

 

[BrisJoe]

 

[gcause]

Call to a mens helpline
Help Line: Hello my name is Bob, how can I help you?
Caller: Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me, the usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someones car buttoning her blouse.
It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?

 

[BrisJoe]

Post by Wotif on Apr 15, 2014 at 7:48amA London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration;and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and says, 'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'

 

[BrisJoe]

Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year,
And every year Ken would say,
'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'
Edna always replied,
'I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,
And fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
One year Ken and Edna went to the fair,
And Ken said,
'Edna, I'm 75 years old.
If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'
To this, Edna replied,
"Ken that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
'Folks I'll make you a deal.
I'll take the both of you for a ride.
If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word
I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Ken and Edna agreed and up they went
The pilot did all kinds of aerobatics and fancy manoeuvres,
But not a word was heard..
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out,
But you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Ken replied,

'Well, to tell you the truth,
I almost said something when Edna fell out,
But you know,
"Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'