FRIDAY FUNNIES

[gavfromoz]

I just had to share this. It was sent to me from a friend of mine in Hong Kong, she is absolutely disgusted and states that this and (letting go in a supermarket such as Coles/Woolies) over here, would be normal in China. I wonder why the people in HK get annoyed at the mainlanders.

This was taken in a crowded train in Hong Kong.

 

[Pr2cv]

An Irish boy was standing on a corner crying his eyes out.

A passerby asked "why are you crying?"

The boy answered" My mum just passed away"

The passerby said "Do you want me to call father O'Brian"?

The boy said "This is hardly the time for sex,Mister"

 

[richo966]

an American wants to go to Hawaii but he is afraid to fly and gets sea sick he finds a genie in the bottle the genies asks him what his wish is he responds build me a bridge to Hawaii I cant fly and I get sea sick the genie goes mate that is a huge job concrete and steel for that is huge have you got an easy wish for me the man responds tell me how to understand women then the genie responds how many lanes do you want

 

[WalnLiz]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more
than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an
American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a
story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists,
finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their
ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50
years earlier than the British".

One week later, Australian Dept of Mineral Resources reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in the Lucknow region of NSW, a
self-taught archaeologist named Jim Oates, reported that he found
absolutely **** all. Jim has therefore concluded that 250 years ago,
Australia had already gone wireless."

Just makes you bloody proud to be an Aussie!

 

[WalnLiz]

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.

I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the **** out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple minutes ago.

 

[gavfromoz]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

 

[Ramjet]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

Tish boom

 

[loamer]

Bushman goes into an outback pub with a crocodile on a lead.

Do you serve Poms he asks?

'Yeah, no worries mate', says the barman.

'Righto, I'll have a beer meself and 2 Poms for me croc'

 

[HeadsUp]

Why am I Divorced?







Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning.



I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,



'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.



As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'



I thought...... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember.



My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfasts and didn't say a word..



So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.



As I walked into my office, my handsome Boss Rick, said, 'Good Morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday! '



It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.



I worked until one o'clock , when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside,

And it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch,



Just you and me....'



I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'


We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.


He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.


We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.



On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day...

We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'



I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'

He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, If you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.



I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes,

He came out carrying a huge birthday cake ....

Followed by my husband my kids, and dozens of my friends



And co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.







And I just sat there, on the couch naked

 

[gavfromoz]

hahaha I can just see that

 

[Pr2cv]

Xmas Eve-----There was knock on the front door.
Upon opening the door there was a little snail wearing a red Santa hat singing Christmas carols on the doorstep.
I picked him up & threw him as far as I could over next doors fence ,thinking no more bloody Christmas carols.
Exactly one year later there's a knock on the front door, I look down & there's the same snail in the red hat.
It says to me
"What did you do that for.?

 

[richard70au]

A couple where Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was packed and as the wife walked around she was surprised to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.

She was quiet upset as they had a lot to do and hence, she became so worried that she called him on his mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a quiet voice he said: "do you remember that jewellers we went into about five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond ring that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said: "yes I do remember that store"

The husband replied: " Well, I am in the pub next door."

 

[BrisJoe]

Most of us have seen the Hanes Repair manuals at the shops,
Here are the translations to some of the keywords in the books and tool descriptions and engineering terms...

....

The REAL meaning of the Haynes instructions

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?

Haynes: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (industrial size).

Haynes: Ease ...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Crikey what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating (simple).
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate).
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and that your AA cover includes Home Start.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert).
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!
Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't mention it to your insurance company.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "******" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone use a hacksaw.

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!

Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain spanner or length of bicycle chain.
Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one.
Translation: I know I've got a tube of Krazy Glue around here somewhere.

Haynes: Grease well before refitting.
Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before chancing upon a bottle of washing-up liquid. Wipe some congealed washing up liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it's got a similar texture and will probably get you to Halfords to buy some Castrol grease.

Haynes: See illustration for details
Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the pictured exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant model.

HAYNES GUIDE TO TOOLS OF THE TRADE
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

MOLE-GRIPS/ADJUSTABLE spanner: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake-drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls in about the time it takes you to say, "F...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering car to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front wing.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate as 105-mm howitzer shells during the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper- and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a fossil-fuel burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact spanner that grips rusty bolts last tightened 30 years ago by someone in Dagenham, and rounds them off.

PRY (CROW) BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

Engineering Terms

* A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED
We are still pissing in the wind.

* EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM
We just hired three kids fresh out of college.

* CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION
We know who to blame.

* MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH
It works OK, but looks very hitech.

* CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED
We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.

* PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE
The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch

* TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING
We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.

* THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED
The only person who understood the thing quit.

* ALL NEW
Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.

* RUGGED
Too damn heavy to lift!

* LIGHTWEIGHT
Lighter than RUGGED.

* YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT
One finally worked.

* LOW MAINTENANCE
Impossible to fix if broken

 

[gadgetman45]

A man was sick and tired
of going to work every day
while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see
what he went through so he prayed:
'Dear Lord:
I go to work every day and put
in 8 hours while my wife
merely stays at home.
I want her to know what
I go through
So, please allow her body to
switch with mine for a day.

God, in his infinite wisdom,
granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough,
the man awoke as a woman...
he arose, cooked breakfast
for his mate,
awakened the kids,
set out their school clothes,
fed them breakfast,
packed their lunches,
drove them to school,
came home and picked
up the dry cleaning,
took it to the cleaners
and stopped at the bank
to make a deposit,
went grocery shopping,
then drove home to put
away the groceries,
paid the bills and balanced
the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box
and bathed the dog..
Then it was already 1 PM
and he hurried to make the beds,
do the laundry, vacuum,
dust, sweep and mop
the kitchen floor,
ran to the school to pick up
the kids and got into an argument
with them on the way home,
set out milk and cookies and
got the kids organized to do
their homework.
Then set up the ironing board
and watched TV while he
did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling
potatoes and washing
vegetables for salad,
breaded the pork chops
and snapped
fresh beans for supper.

After supper,
he cleaned the kitchen,
ran the dishwasher,
folded laundry,
bathed the kids and put
them to bed.
At 9 PM he was exhausted
and, though his daily chores
weren't finished, he went to
bed where he was expected to
make love, which he managed
to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke
and immediately knelt by the
bed and said: -
Lord, I don't know what
I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my
wife's being able to stay
home all day
Please, Oh! Please,
let us trade back.. Amen!'
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:

"My son, I feel you have
learned your lesson and
I will be happy to change
things backto the way
they were.
But you'll have to wait
nine months, though.
You got pregnant last night"

 

[gadgetman45]

Son: Dad, were learning about prisms at school, theyre fascinating.

Dad: Thats good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, youre bound to end up in one.

__________________________
Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical.

A few days later the doctor phones and says Paddy, you realise youve got sugar diabetes.

Paddy says, Nice one, when do I fight him?

_________________________

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey..

But Ive turned myself around, and thats what its all about

_________________________

A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD.

Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy.

Well, thats when it all kicked off

_________________________
Paddy caught his wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself.

He puts the gun to his head, looks at his wife and says

"Don't laugh, your next!!"

________________________________


An Irishmen wanting to become a priest went to see the Bishop who said

"You must answer three questions on the Bible".

"1st - Who was born in a stable?"

"Red Rum" he replied

"2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?"

" It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.

"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive ?"

"Thats easy" he said

Popeye kicked the **** out of them!!"

________________________________

Little boy gets home from school and says

"Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."

His Dad replies

"Never mind son, maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"

________________________________


Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.

Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women, the prices are reasonable too."

Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"

Three weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"

"No" said Mick "But it shouldn't be long now though...

...her clothes arrived yesterday!!

 

[gadgetman45]

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.
An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills..

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.

"Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said,

"Indians don't use saddles."

 

[gadgetman45]

Have you ever been asked (or tried ) to reset a Computer Password???
Maybe youve experienced the pure Joy and Simplicity of the security processes...


NEW PASSWORD REQUIRED

User:
My usual password is not working suddenly, why?

Website chat assistant:
Your password has expired - you must register a new one.

User:

Why do I need a new one as that one was working fine?

Website chat assistant:

You must get a new one as they automatically expire every 30 days.

User:

Can I use the old one and just re-register it?

Website chat assistant:

No, you must get a new one.

User:

I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember.

Website chat assistant:

Sorry, you must get a new one.

User:

ok, roses

Website chat assistant:

Sorry you must use more letters.

User:

pretty roses

Website chat assistant:

you must use at least one number.

User:

1 pretty rose

Website chat assistant:

you cannot use blank spaces.

User:

1prettyrose

Website chat assistant:

You must use additional letters.

User:

1fuckingprettyrose

Website chat assistant:

You must use at least one capital letter.

User:

1FUCKINGprettyrose

Website chat assistant:

You cannot use more than one capital letter in a row.

User:

1Fuckingprettyrose

Website chat assistant:

You must use additional letters.

User:

1Fuckingprettyroseshovedupyourassifyoudon'tgivemeaccessrightfucking now

Website chat assistant:

Sorry, that password is already being used....

 

[gadgetman45]

First Christmas Joke
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

 

[gadgetman45]

For those who are old enough to remember - enjoy.
For the rest - it's a history lesson...!!

Very surprising how time and memory has taken its toll.
Have things really changed this much in our time?

---------------------------------------------------
EATING IN THE FIFTIES
Pasta had not been invented.
Curry was a surname.
A takeaway was a mathematical problem.
A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.
Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.
All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt on or not.
A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.
Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.
A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.
Brown bread was something only poor people ate.
Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking
Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.
Coffee was Camp, and came in a bottle.
Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.
Only Heinz made beans.
Fish didn't have fingers in those days.
Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.
None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.
Healthy food consisted of anything edible.
People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.
Indian restaurants were only found in India .
Cooking outside was called camping.
Seaweed was not a recognised food.
"Kebab" was not even a word never mind a food.
Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.
Prunes were medicinal.
Surprisingly, muesli was readily available, it was called cattle feed.
Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one.
Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than petrol
for it they would have become a laughing stock.
The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties .. was elbows!

 

[gadgetman45]

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know,

we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets,

BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

"From now on when I say BELL 1

I want you to strip naked.

When I say BELL 2

I want you to jump in bed.

And when I say BELL 3

We are going to make love all night.

"The next night he came home from work and yelled

" BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed.

When he yelled " BELL 3!", they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"

"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?

"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied

"YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."