Quotes that I have collected (in time order). I started out with the serious, but ended up with the light hearted - way more enjoyable:
The belief in a supernatural source of evil is not necessary; man alone is quite capable of every wickedness.
- Joseph Conrad
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.
- Confucius
Nature is trying very hard to make us succeed, but nature does not depend on us. We are not the only experiment.
- R. Buckminster Fuller
Many would be cowards if they had courage enough.
- Thomas Fuller
Life is tough, and if you have the ability to laugh at it, you have the ability to enjoy it.
- Salma Hayek
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow ennobled and no-one dares criticize it.
- Pierre Gallois
A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
- Fred Allen
When a man says he approves of something in principle, it means he hasnt the slightest intention of putting it into practice.
- Otto von Bismarck
The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway is usually a poor judge of distance.
- Laurence J. Peter
If the human mind were simple enough for us to understand, we would be too simple-minded to understand it.
- Unknown
Just remember that things that are worth remembering now, are not necessarily worth remembering later.
or:
Its important to remember that some things are worth remembering and some things arent.
- Me
I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
- Robert McCloskey
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
- Ernest Hemingway (1899 - 1961)
Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.
- Oscar Wilde
I think that God, in creating Man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
- Oscar Wilde
To disagree with three-fourths of the British public is one of the first requisites of sanity.
- Oscar Wilde
Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself.
- Jane Wagner
Spare no expense to save money on this one.
- Samuel Goldwyn
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake -- which I also keep handy.
- W.C.Fields (1880 1946)
I cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.
- W. C. Fields
Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation.
- Kin Hubbard
The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable.
- John Kenneth Galbraith
Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some smaller countries are neutral.
- Robert Orben
My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.
- Woody Allen
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
- Woody Allen
I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed.
- James Thurber
Curiosity killed the Cat, but for a while I was the suspect.
- Stephen Wright
Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.
- Otto von Bismarck
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
- Groucho Marx
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
- Groucho Marx
Lady, Ive had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasnt it.
- Groucho Marx
Youll be hearing from my lawyer as soon as he graduates from law school.
- Groucho Marx
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
- Groucho Marx
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
- Mark Twain
It is a mistake to think you can solve major problems with just potatoes.
- Douglas Adams
I love deadlines -- the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
- Douglas Adams
It is no coincidence that in no known language does the phrase: 'As pretty as an Airport' appear.
- Douglas Adams
Ah, this is obviously some strange usage of the word 'safe' that I wasn't previously aware of.
- Douglas Adams (Arthur Dent)
A common mistake people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
- Douglas Adams
I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you buy a ticket or not.
- Fran Lebowitz
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
- Fran Lebowitz
In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times like these.
- Paul Harvey
He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
- Marilyn vos Savant
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
Elbert Hubbard
We may not imagine how our lives could be more frustrating and complex -- but Congress can.
- Cullen Hightower
Girls are always running through my mind. They don't dare walk.
Andy Gibb
Everything goes over his head. Actually, he should go to Jamaica and become a limbo dancer.
- Unknown
If not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled.
- PG Wodehouse
In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light', and there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.
- Ellen DeGeneres
Ordinarily he was insane, but he had lucid moments when he was merely stupid.
- Heinrich Heine
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
- Lily Tomlin
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
- Joan Rivers
General from unknown sources:
The fattest knight at the round table was Sir Cumference, and that was from too much pi.
Dj Poo The feeling you get when you have listened to too much of someones ****.
He had delusions of adequacy.
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; Ill waste no time reading it.
I didnt attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.
Answer: Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second .... if there is one.
I feel so miserable without you; its almost like having you here.
He is a self-made man and worships his creator.
Ive just learned about his illness. Lets hope its nothing trivial.
He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.
He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.
In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.
He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.
Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?
His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts for support rather than illumination.
He has Van Goghs ear for music.
Learn from your parents mistakes use birth control.
Its not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.
Money isnt everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
We are born naked, wet and hungry then things get worse.
Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.
If at first you dont succeed, skydiving is not for you.
The belief in a supernatural source of evil is not necessary; man alone is quite capable of every wickedness.
- Joseph Conrad
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.
- Confucius
Nature is trying very hard to make us succeed, but nature does not depend on us. We are not the only experiment.
- R. Buckminster Fuller
Many would be cowards if they had courage enough.
- Thomas Fuller
Life is tough, and if you have the ability to laugh at it, you have the ability to enjoy it.
- Salma Hayek
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow ennobled and no-one dares criticize it.
- Pierre Gallois
A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
- Fred Allen
When a man says he approves of something in principle, it means he hasnt the slightest intention of putting it into practice.
- Otto von Bismarck
The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway is usually a poor judge of distance.
- Laurence J. Peter
If the human mind were simple enough for us to understand, we would be too simple-minded to understand it.
- Unknown
Just remember that things that are worth remembering now, are not necessarily worth remembering later.
or:
Its important to remember that some things are worth remembering and some things arent.
- Me
I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
- Robert McCloskey
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
- Ernest Hemingway (1899 - 1961)
Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.
- Oscar Wilde
I think that God, in creating Man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
- Oscar Wilde
To disagree with three-fourths of the British public is one of the first requisites of sanity.
- Oscar Wilde
Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself.
- Jane Wagner
Spare no expense to save money on this one.
- Samuel Goldwyn
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake -- which I also keep handy.
- W.C.Fields (1880 1946)
I cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.
- W. C. Fields
Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation.
- Kin Hubbard
The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable.
- John Kenneth Galbraith
Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some smaller countries are neutral.
- Robert Orben
My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.
- Woody Allen
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
- Woody Allen
I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed.
- James Thurber
Curiosity killed the Cat, but for a while I was the suspect.
- Stephen Wright
Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.
- Otto von Bismarck
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
- Groucho Marx
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
- Groucho Marx
Lady, Ive had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasnt it.
- Groucho Marx
Youll be hearing from my lawyer as soon as he graduates from law school.
- Groucho Marx
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
- Groucho Marx
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
- Mark Twain
It is a mistake to think you can solve major problems with just potatoes.
- Douglas Adams
I love deadlines -- the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
- Douglas Adams
It is no coincidence that in no known language does the phrase: 'As pretty as an Airport' appear.
- Douglas Adams
Ah, this is obviously some strange usage of the word 'safe' that I wasn't previously aware of.
- Douglas Adams (Arthur Dent)
A common mistake people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
- Douglas Adams
I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you buy a ticket or not.
- Fran Lebowitz
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
- Fran Lebowitz
In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times like these.
- Paul Harvey
He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
- Marilyn vos Savant
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
Elbert Hubbard
We may not imagine how our lives could be more frustrating and complex -- but Congress can.
- Cullen Hightower
Girls are always running through my mind. They don't dare walk.
Andy Gibb
Everything goes over his head. Actually, he should go to Jamaica and become a limbo dancer.
- Unknown
If not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled.
- PG Wodehouse
In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light', and there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.
- Ellen DeGeneres
Ordinarily he was insane, but he had lucid moments when he was merely stupid.
- Heinrich Heine
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
- Lily Tomlin
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
- Joan Rivers
General from unknown sources:
The fattest knight at the round table was Sir Cumference, and that was from too much pi.
Dj Poo The feeling you get when you have listened to too much of someones ****.
He had delusions of adequacy.
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; Ill waste no time reading it.
I didnt attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.
Answer: Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second .... if there is one.
I feel so miserable without you; its almost like having you here.
He is a self-made man and worships his creator.
Ive just learned about his illness. Lets hope its nothing trivial.
He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.
He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.
In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.
He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.
Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?
His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts for support rather than illumination.
He has Van Goghs ear for music.
Learn from your parents mistakes use birth control.
Its not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.
Money isnt everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
We are born naked, wet and hungry then things get worse.
Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.
If at first you dont succeed, skydiving is not for you.
